Candle Thought: Feeling lost at the age of 23
It’s unpleasing when reality doesn’t align with our dreams and expectations.
Fresh out of university with a Computer Science degree, I’m captivated by the potential of Artificial Intelligence and System Design. AI, in particular, fascinates me with its ability to streamline processes and reduce the time spent on tedious tasks. Building a chatbot during my studies, for example, highlighted the immense time investment required to define intricate rules. AI, on the other hand, offers a path to creating fully functional chatbots in a fraction of the time, aligning perfectly with my interests. The elegance and structure inherent in system design also resonates deeply with me, fostering a sense of wonder and appreciation for how systems operate.
The transition from student to professional life has presented its challenges. Witnessing my peers secure jobs, some even achieving financial goals I aspire to in the coming years, has been a source of both inspiration and self-doubt. I struggled with feelings of inadequacy and a lack of direction, questioning my work ethic and overall approach to life.
I felt lost, unsure if my current environment was truly supportive. My parents’ unwavering support, while deeply appreciated, amplified a sense of needing to contribute more. My friendships, while valuable, lacked the desire to take action. I found myself pondering profound questions: “Am I approaching things the wrong way?”, “Do I need to surround myself with different people?”, seeking a path to greater purpose and fulfillment.
The complexities of relationships have further added to my journey. I’ve observed that many girls my age seek financial stability in a partner; respectfully, I can comprehend. However, the importance others place on emotional connection and intimacy is a concept that has eluded me. A past relationship, where I poured my time, resources, and genuine effort into building a lasting connection, ended with a critique of my commitment, leaving me bewildered and questioning my own actions. I try to build new relationships, but it is unstable while its foundations are full of crashed.
Frankly, I’ve been hard on myself. I struggle with self-doubt, sometimes feeling inadequate, lazy, and even physically unattractive. I have a dream to be a composer, but I am lazy to sit on a piano for a under-a-minute song. I have a dream about being the smartest scientist that whenever people talk about AI, they are talking about me, like Einstein with his relativity theory, like Newton with his apples, Beethoven-a deaf composer who compose magic, etc. My enthusiasm wanes, and I crave a change of pace, finding it difficult to maintain focus on tasks that require sustained effort.
I do not want myself that way anymore. I told myself, “Everything needs to change.” Fueled by this desire, I immersed myself in various online resources, exploring topics like productivity, personal development, and mindfulness. While the information was inspiring, I found myself struggling to translate it into action. However, a particular phrase, “Nothing changes if nothing changes”. And it hit me hard.
I remembered a quote of Charlie Chaplin in the “The Great Dictator” movie, he said that “We think too much and we feel too little”. In my situation, I was “thinks too much and do too little”. I recognized my own tendency to overthink and underact, a pattern that had become a barrier to my progress. I believe that actively pursuing goals and pushing my boundaries — through increased coding, expanding my social circle, and embracing new experiences — will ultimately lead to greater fulfillment and achievement.
This journey won’t be easy. There will be moments of doubt and frustration, times when I might want to go back to my old ways. But I’m determined to stay on track. I know that having a good support system is important. I want to see my life is a system that is in controlled, by me.
Lately, I’ve started to think that we should focus on a few important things to become the best we can be. I’ve decided to become really good at what I’m trained for: Artificial Intelligence.
I’ve joined a few challenges and hackathons — competitions where programmers can share their ideas and show off their skills — in the AI field and have gained some accomplishments. It’s tough, but I believe it will be worth it. It’s also helping me believe in myself more.
Additionally, I engage in writings and playing music instruments, piano. I find those activities incredibly rewarding. Doing the former activities help me to structure, organize my ideas that I can see those clear as crystals. Playing music is something that is really different, I clearly can not comprehend the motion, the way the music acts, but I feel alive every time I hit a piano bar. It likes I pull something out of void and give it a life. The feeling is unimaginable. I am planning to participate in more clubs or social activities, so that I can connect with more people.